The Muse's Undoing

“Yes. And I trust Matthew, too.”

“Why? What changed?”

“On Wednesday, Vaughn was missing you, and he told me about that night last week where he snuggled with you guys on the couch and watched Coco. That he got to stay up past midnight. Apparently it was a big deal.”

“It wasn’t past midnight,” I say. “But I can’t talk about that right now.” The memory of the love I felt that night is far too potent—too sharp a contrast to how bereft of it I am now.

“He adores you,” she says. “And Matthew.”

“How was he?” I ask her. It’s not like I don’t know. It’s not like I couldn’t see for myself in the Live, but I’m starving for news of him.

“About like you. Although without the vodka.”

“Right,” I whisper.

“Do you want to tell me why you never mentioned you were into men, too?”

I hang my head. “I thought it was a phase.”

“Was our whole marriage a lie?” she asks, and it’s obvious she’s crying, too.

Impulsively, I bridge the gap between us, and she meets me in the middle in a hug where she sobs on my shoulder. “I loved you, Nicole. I was faithful to you. The only thing I couldn’t be, apparently, was there for you, and that had nothing to do with you.”

She clutches me tight, and in some small way it feels like I’ve come home for real. Like the circle is complete. “Of course Raven wanted you,” Nicole says, her voice thick with tears. “You’re beautiful, and you’re impossible to get.”

I let out a sigh. And then I let her go. “I might have to kill her. Ruin her life or something.”

“She’ll do that all on her own. It’s not worth the trouble.” Nicole wipes her eyes and sits back. “So what’s next? You gonna go get your man?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly.

“He’s waiting for you.”

I draw in a deep, sharp breath. “I’m not sure we’re good for each other,” I admit.

She frowns, asking the question without words.

“It’s so…much.”

“People dream of love like that.”

“But can they survive it?” I ask.

“You’ve survived worse.”

“The way I feel about him…” I trail off, hesitating. Not sure this is something she wants to hear.

“You can tell me,” she says, reading my reluctance.

“I’m not sure you were wrong to think my feelings for him could threaten my relationship with Vaughn. It’s—all-consuming. I’ve never felt like this before, and it’s terrifying to feel like you can’t breathe without someone who has so many other options.”

“Is that what you want? To leave him free to explore his other options.”

I feel the color drain from my face.

She notices. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Maybe now that we all know, that’ll take the pressure off. Maybe it won’t feel so intense since it’s not a secret. Maybe you can have a real, healthy relationship.”

“I don’t know,” I say, despair filling the carved-out space in my chest. “He asked me before we started—what if this the worst idea we ever had?”