The Muse's Undoing

“She might not have said drugs, but it was implied. Listen, Vaughn is—challenging. You know this. And when he’s in a mood these days he can say some horrible things. And maybe it’s because he’s six, or maybe it’s the divorce and being shuffled around all the time, but he’s been hard on me lately. And maybe I’m too sensitive. Something felt off, and I started to spiral. Also, Hunter and I broke up.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so, that hasn’t helped. He’s been fucking some young barista-slash-actress and Vaughn more or less caught them together.”

I can’t hide my surprise.

“I promise he didn’t see anything that would scar him for life, but it was enough for him to ask me if the lady who was over all the time kissing Hunter was his new babysitter. So there might be some projection involved in all this, too.”

“Jesus, Nic.” I shake my head, disgusted.

“I don’t know what I expected,” she says, fiddling with one of her bracelets, running her finger back and forth between it and her wrist.

“Am I supposed to feel bad for you?” I ask.

“No.”

“Good. Because it’s not coming easy.”

She sighs heavily. “I went too far. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“You went way too far,” I tell her.

She and I remain silent for several minutes after that. I wonder what Matthew said to her. Was he cruel? Kind? I can’t imagine him being cruel—not really. And I wonder if he expects better from me, too. If he’d say this is your chance to make everything okay. Stop being such an asshole.

“What does it mean that you’re here?” I finally ask.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Fischer.”

“If you want to say I’ve abused my son, then we’ll be fighting. I’m not prepared to bend over and take this?—”

“I get it,” she cuts in, shrill. “I’m sorry, okay? I get it. I should have come to you if I had questions—I fucking freaked out. I know that’s a shitty excuse, but it’s what happened. The person Raven described was a total stranger, and with what happened with Hunter I started questioning my judgment—like do I even know anyone? Am I that blind?”

“You deserve better than that jackass,” I say. “And me.”

Her mouth slams shut, and she stares at me with wide eyes. “You deserve better, too.”

I stiffen. If she says one mean thing about Matthew, I can’t be held responsible for?—

“I mean I came to say I’ve already asked Lacy to withdraw the custody petition. I can’t claim that I’ve ever known you as well as I wanted to, but I do feel like I know you would never put our child in harm’s way. He’s been happier since you’ve been home.”

I take all this in with a measure of relief. But I can’t give into it completely. She needs to know the truth before she makes any decisions. “I’m in love with Matthew,” I say.

“I gathered that. I also know that the physical part of your relationship is sort of a new development.”

“I guess,” I say.

“I should have seen it,” she says. “You two have always been so…” she searches for a word. “Careful with each other.”

There’s a rough pinch in my chest. “How do you mean?”

“Like how he’d always get up for you to be able to sit down in a more comfortable spot at Christmas. How you’d hug him like he was made of glass. How you’d hug him at all…” she laughs shortly. “Like of all the people in the world, he was the one you wanted to reassure that he was special.”

More tears fall. Visions of Matthew taking the bat to all his hard work make me feel like I’m the one shattering into pieces. “I wish I’d realized sooner,” I whisper. “I could have saved you a lot of trouble.”

“But then we wouldn’t have Vaughn.”

True. I wouldn’t trade that. I nod, trying to keep my shit together. “Do you trust me with him?” I manage to ask.