The Muse's Undoing

“And was it?”

“If this is how the end feels…then yes.”

“Then maybe put off the ending a little longer.”

Unable to think about Matthew without wanting to rip my heart from my chest, I shake my head and steer the subject back to the reason she’s here. “I swear to God, I’ll never do anything to harm Vaughn.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, Fischer. I lost my mind. My therapist had her work cut out for her yesterday, trying to unravel all the assumptions I leapt to. I hope you can forgive me. That Matthew can, too.”

“You should get him home,” I say. “It’s late.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Sorry I’m…” I gesture at my drunken self.

“Don’t worry about it. I figured I wasn’t gonna be walking into the happiest place on earth.”

I manage a dry laugh.

She goes to collect Vaughn, and they say goodbye to me on the couch. She assures me I can see him on Wednesday as usual, and I tell her I want to ask for a change in my work schedule that eventually might allow our Wednesdays to be more than a tuck in and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios in the morning. She says we’ll work something out.

Vaughn gives me a long hug, like he can sense I need it, and I take every second, letting it fill the part of me that’s incomplete without him. “Love you,” he whispers.

“I love you, too. The very most.”

He pats my cheek as he pulls away.

“Be nice to your mom. She loves you the very most, too.”

“Tell her be nice to me.”

I give him my sternest scowl.

He sighs. “Okay.”

Once they’re gone, the loneliness hits me harder. I gulp as I stare at my empty, quiet apartment. I think of Matthew walking with bare feet on broken glass. I think of Wednesday when he won’t be here to keep me company once Vaughn goes to bed, and the idea makes me feel lost—especially when I extrapolate it to all my future days and nights.

I know he’s suffering. I also know we could already be over. But if there’s a chance I can be saved, then there’s a chance I can save him, too.

One of us will eventually have to make a move toward the other. And since I’m the one who’s run away from us time and time again, I know it has to be me.

53

FISCHER

Itext him first. If he doesn’t want to see me, I’m not going to force myself on him. Also, I’m sort of drunk. Less so after watching the video and speaking with Nicole, but still. I’m thinking maybe we can schedule something, for when I sober up.

I need to see you.

So, maybe that doesn’t sound like I’m trying to schedule an appointment, but like I said—vodka.

Matthew

You sure about that? I’d hate to make you act outside your own best interest.

You’re my only interest.

Matthew