Sunshine Kisses

She wasn’t sure about that. All she knew was that the walls of her bedroom had been suffocating her, and she had needed an escape. Although a glance down at herself confirmed something in his observation. If she’d wanted space from him, why had she pulled on his clothes when seeking warmth and comfort? She could have gone out into the garden, walked as far as the beach, even, and let the salty air heal her emotional wounds. Instead, she had chosen this spot, one with nostalgia rolling over it like the waves on the shore below them.

It was little surprise that Erik understood her actions better than she did.

Maybe she had been waiting for him to find her.

As he came towards her, Erik splashed through the small puddles that afternoon’s showers had left on the cement. ‘Can I sit?’

Abby nodded, staring straight ahead.

‘I thought about asking you to tell me a story, but you kind of already did.’

Still not looking at him, Abby furrowed her brow.

‘I read your book.’

And that…that had her head spinning towards him. He had swapped his dinner attire for joggers and a jumper that looked so cosy she wanted to bury herself in it and never come out. His hair was even wilder than it had been, a sure sign that he’d been anxiously tugging at it. She marvelled that it was possible for it to become more dishevelled than she’d left it earlier.

‘It’s good, Abby. It’s really good.’ His eyes shone brightly, with so much more life in them than there had been when he left her room. ‘It’s—it’s us, right? I’m the guy? You’re the girl? We’re the idiots who’ve been best friends since childhood and both been too scared to make a move?’

Her head dropped in a single, slow nod. He knew. She had already all but admitted it. What difference could it make now anyway?

Something in Erik’s shoulders relaxed.

‘Right. Okay. I’m going to do something I should have done a long time ago: be upfront with you. God knows I can’t handle skirting around this anymore. I want to be with you. And based on what I just read, I think you want to be with me too. If I’m wrong…if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have any feelings for me, I’ll go. I’ll find a taxi. I’ll head to the train station tonight. And I’ll stay away again until you’re ready for me to be back in your life. But if—’

‘Again?’ Abby interrupted, finally finding her voice.

‘What?’

‘You said you’ll stay away again.’

He paused, seeming to weigh his next words. ‘Work wasn’t the only reason I was rarely home,’ he said eventually, voice quiet.

‘You were avoiding me.’ Somehow that hurt worse than anything she’d imagined him saying.

‘That’s not how I thought of it. But yeah. I guess I was.’ Erik rubbed his eyes roughly. It looked painful. Abby had to sit on her hands to stop herself reaching for him. ‘Abby, when I’m near you…I want to drown in you. It fucking hurts being away from you, but it hurts even worse being around you and not being able to breathe you in and hold you and touch you and call you mine. So I took on extra projects. I stayed on site longer than I was needed. And I came home just enough to get my small fixes of you before—before the overdose killed me.’

Abby stared at him, struggling to process everything he was admitting. Scouring every syllable for confirmation that she was understanding him right. And her mind snagged on one line:

I want to be with you.

Now. He wanted to be with her now. But if they didn’t last, it would break her beyond repair.

‘You wrote this amazing love story. The best one I’ve ever read. The best one I know. Ours. Every detail you put in those pages…it’s us. Right down to that time your period was so bad you couldn’t get out of bed and I stole the cupcakes my mum had made for book club and brought them to you.’

‘And she made you stay up half the night baking a new batch to replace them.’ Even through the vortex of emotions swirling through her, a smile cracked Abby’s face. He had video called her from his kitchen, cocoa in his hair and flour dusting his cheeks. It had been the first time she’d thought, I really want to kiss him. And every month that had followed, as soon as he saw her bring out her hot water bottle, a batch of chocolate cupcakes had arrived at her bedroom door within a day.

‘I still know the recipe for chocolate sponge cake out of my head. How many teenage boys do you think have done shit like that, Abby?’

Not many, she suspected. But then, no one had ever measured up to Erik.

‘So I have a question for you. If that’s the way you see our story—the way you see us—what happened downstairs? Why are we fighting this? Why are we both determined to be miserable when we could be so, so happy together?’

She looked away, not trusting what truths might spill out if she tried to speak.

‘Abby.’ Erik’s voice was so gentle, more gentle than she deserved, as he reached for her hand. ’Talk to me. Please.’

‘I’m scared.’ An answer, at least. The one that encompassed all her feelings.