Sunshine Kisses

They hung out over the rest of the summer, but always in groups or with their families. Once uni started they texted occasionally, but conversations were brief and perfunctory.

And Abby decided to work on herself.

Thanks to her university’s wonderful mental health services, she managed to offload some of the weight her parents’ distance and disappointment had left her carrying. She realised how much of her insecurity about a potential relationship with Erik stemmed from those feelings of never being quite enough, despite him always making her feel loved and appreciated. By the time she headed home for Christmas break, she was ready to apologise to Erik for hurting him and to beg him for another chance.

But he wasn’t home. Nora opened the door instead, and told her about Erik’s short skiing trip with friends, shocked that she didn’t already know. The trip would only see him returning home on Christmas eve. So Abby spent the following few days refining her speech, practising those three words now imbued with so much more meaning.

But Erik never gave her the chance to say them.

She texted him in the early afternoon on twenty-four December:

Can we talk when you get home?

His response came in seconds:

Come outside.

Filled with hope at the sight of Erik wearing the dinosaur Christmas jumper she had given him two years before, she flung her arms around his neck immediately, her whole body relaxing when he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed.

‘I need to say something,’ Abby started.

‘Can I go first? I know things have been awkward as hell, and I’ve hated it. And I know I’m the one who made things weird, but I wanted to tell you that I’m over it. The time and space have been good for me, and I’d really like it if we could forget about everything that happened and go back to how things were. I know that’s a big ask. But it’s Christmas eve and I just want to watch my favourite movies with my favourite person. I thought that could be a good starting point.’

His speech came out quickly, eyes shifting between hers and a spot over her shoulder. Every word pierced her heart even as she kept a brave smile on her face.

He was over her. And he was right to be, since she hadn’t given him even a flicker of hope at a future.

They talked some more, watched their movies, went to Mass, and by the time Erik’s family arrived for Christmas lunch the following day, they were trading private smiles and sharing jokes and she could see a future where they were back to normal. And despite her less than platonic feelings for him, that was what she needed. Him. His unrestrained warmth and light would still ignite her world, even if not the way she wanted. But after months living without it, she had determined it was better than living with no part of him.

He’d sent her an email that night, all snippets of thoughts from the previous few months, with the explanation that every time he’d wanted to tell her something but had felt too distant to text her, he’d added it to a draft. When the Christmas holiday ended, the emails had continued, warming her with every piece of his heart he shared.

Abby had spent the last seven years wondering how things might have been different if she hadn’t left Erik that morning. If she’d let him wake her with his low, gentle voice before making her coffee and cuddling on the couch, sneaking kisses whenever his parents weren’t around.

Hurting him was still her life’s biggest regret, although she’d done a lot of work to forgive herself for the poor decision. She had been a child with no romantic experience, terrified of the rejection she’d already felt too much of in her life.

And as she lay there, running through the argument they had just had, she wondered if her repeated decision to protect her heart had been the right one. Erik had changed his mind about her once before, after all. But…would he have? Or if they’d made a go of things, might they still be together? Something was nagging at her brain. An itch she couldn’t calm or ignore. The things Erik had said to her: that this didn’t mean anything, that he wanted to be friends when this was all over—that he was anticipating an ending to this at all—didn’t line up with the man who had spent his few precious days off flying halfway across the world to kiss her on New Year’s Eve. The man who just a few nights before had sat next to her bed and told her he wanted more than what they were.

Rummaging through her wardrobe, Abby pulled out that damn flannel shirt and slipped it over her dress. She needed air.

In hindsight, going up to the roof wasn’t the best strategy for avoiding thoughts of Erik. Memories of their nights up there clung to every broken piece of furniture. Those carefree, stolen moments of peace away from their families. Away from the things in the world that caused Erik so many anxieties. And the heavier moments, when he had held her as she cried over her relationship with her parents, offering advice when she was scared or confused. And when she had returned the favour, holding his hand tightly when the world threatened to overwhelm him.

Abby didn’t know how to fix what was broken between them. Didn’t know how to stop them falling into the same pattern again a few years down the line. But she knew she had to find a solution. Because a life without Erik wasn’t an option.

She ignored the small squeak that broke the silence. With all the crap up there, the wind often caused strange noises as it wound its way between old table legs and whistled through folded plastic chairs.

But then, a sound she hadn’t been expecting:

’I was hoping I’d find you up here.’

Chapter 18

Take on the World – You Me At Six

A

bby didn’t turn, but with every cell in her body begging her to respond to that voice, she managed to croak out, ‘Why?’

‘I figured if you were, it meant you wanted to be found.’ Erik spoke softly, his tone impossibly gentle.