Sunshine Kisses

‘Why?’ His voice came out harder than it normally did with Abby, but it was taking all his control to keep it steady. There wasn’t any of him left to focus on moderating his tone.

After a few moments of quiet, Abby’s words tumbled out in a rush. ‘We’re about to go to different unis and it’s going to be new and scary and I’m—I’m going to need my best friend to get through it.’

For the first time since he’d entered the room, Erik summoned the courage to touch her, taking her hand gently in his own. It was a small comfort that she didn’t pull away. ‘I can’t support you as your boyfriend?’ That small, silly, inconsequential word that he had dreamed of hearing her say.

‘I don’t want to ruin what we have, Erik. You mean too much to me to risk losing you.’

That was fine. He had no intention of losing her, and said as much.

‘Long distance never works.’

‘It would for us. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Sunshine, but we’re not exactly normal.’

A small, wet laugh bubbled from her throat, and hope rose in his chest. Hope that was quickly dashed when she spoke again.

‘It’s better this way—before things get any more complicated. Before feelings go any deeper and this becomes something we can’t go back from.’

As if his feelings for her could cut any deeper than they already did. She was entrenched in the most hidden parts of his soul. The thought that he could feel any more for her might be funny if his frozen heart wasn’t busy shattering. They’d been so close. So close to everything he’d ever wanted.

Everything that for one brief, shining night, he’d thought she finally wanted too.

‘No. I don’t buy it. If this is really what you want, why are you so upset?’

As if on cue, more tears fell from Abby’s eyes. ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ she whispered.

Ironic, he thought, considering this was the most pain he’d ever been in.

‘I don’t give a shit about me,’ he said softly, leaning in to brush away the wet streaks on her face. He half expected her to pull away, knowing he wouldn’t be able to take it if she did. Although he thought it might have broken his heart even more that she allowed the gentle intimacy, still seeking comfort from him even while she pushed him away. ‘Why are you hurting yourself?’

Abby shook her head. ‘I want this, Erik. Please. I want us to be friends.’

‘I—Okay. Okay. I should leave. We’re going out to my grandparents later.’ He’d planned to invite her. His grandmother adored Abby. She would have been thrilled to see them together. In truth, he still had hours before they needed to leave. Hours he had been hoping to fill with her. But blood was beginning to roar in his ears. Noise filled his brain. And he needed to get out of there before he broke entirely. It cut into him to stand and step towards her door. He couldn’t bear to look at her as he spoke once more, lingering on the threshold. ‘Text me if you want to hang out, I guess.’

Chapter 17

I Wish You Would – Taylor Swift

A

n hour later, Abby hadn’t moved from her spot on the bed, every interaction she’d had with Erik in the last few days playing on repeat in her head.

The more she reflected, the less she understood how they’d got there.

All the tension that had been building—the heated glances, the loaded conversations—had she really misunderstood all of it? And if Erik wasn’t interested, why risk their friendship? Why seek out those arguments seemingly fuelled by jealousy? Why kiss her like he wanted to devour her?

But even as she questioned Erik’s actions, her mind wandered back to the morning after their leaver’s ball. The day Erik had bared himself to her and she had rejected him. The day that, like now, she’d been too scared to voice her true feelings.

She had already known how he felt about her. Had suspected for a while, and even acknowledged her own feelings for him not long before that night. So when he’d kissed her beside the lake in the moonlight, it had felt like something out of a dream.

Back at his house, after the sweetest goodnight kiss, she prepared to spend the night in his bed, as she always did when she stayed there. Sleeping in Erik’s space—enveloped by his clean, soapy scent—was normally the most restful environment she could find herself in. She didn’t typically have trouble sleeping, not the way he did, but somehow she had always slept better in his bed. That night though, she tossed and turned, lying awake for hours as she worried about what the future held for them.

She feared Erik changing his mind about her. Feared the distance between them might grow too much. That he would meet girls smarter and more interesting than she was, and realise they were better suited to him. Or that one day he would see that she simply didn’t deserve him. She saw one way they could work out, and a million ways they could fall apart, ensuring she lost him forever.

And selfishly, she couldn’t risk the latter.

So she slipped out of his bed before anyone in the house was awake, and when he came to find her—of course he’d come to find her—she broke his heart, and hers along with it, trusting that their friendship could survive that better than an imploding romance.

Instead, the following months had been awful.