Sunshine Kisses

‘Why?’ It was a curious enquiry rather than combative. Begging her to open up.

Perhaps that was why she found herself admitting in a whisper, ‘You’ve changed your mind about me before.’

Erik inhaled sharply. It wasn’t fair. She knew it wasn’t fair to put that on him, not when—at least from his perspective—she had done the same. But if he wanted the truth, that was it. The fear that one day he would wake up and realise that he was too kind and warm to live in such close proximity to her cold, brittle selfishness forever.

‘I lied.’

Abby lifted her head in surprise and their eyes locked.

‘Of course I lied, Abby. I was a kid, and I was hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t want me back. I went a few months with awkward text conversations and unanswered phone calls and it almost destroyed me. And I decided I was more willing to have whatever parts of you you were prepared to give me than to not have you at all. So before you could tell me it was too weird and you were done trying, I told you I was over you. And I got my friend back. Not the way I wanted but at least the way I needed.’ He let out a heavy breath and looked away. ‘But it wasn’t just me, Abby. You—you let me kiss you. You said it was perfect. And the next day you said it was a mistake. I thought we were getting somewhere last night, when you said you’d been feeling more. And then an hour ago, you told me you loved being my friend.’ His face was lined with pain when he looked back at her.

‘I lied too,’ she whispered, voice breaking. ‘You kept pulling me in, then immediately pushing me away. I thought I was going to get everything I’d ever wanted, and it kept seeming like you didn’t feel the same. And that Christmas eve? I asked to talk because I wanted to tell you I was ready to give us a shot.’

Erik’s eyes shuttered, his eyebrows drawn together. ‘Well, shit. We could have been together all this time, huh? We were so focused on not getting hurt that we just hurt ourselves more. And we’re still fucking doing it, aren’t we?’

‘I don’t know how to live without you, Erik. If we try dating and we don’t work out…I don’t just lose my boyfriend. I lose the best friendship I’m ever going to have. That’s what I was trying to save back then. What I was still trying to protect by playing it safe tonight.’

He gave her a small, sad smile. ‘Abby, if we keep doing this, there’s not going to be a friendship to save. It was bad enough after we kissed. After tonight…am I supposed to sit casually next to you at Christmas dinner as if I don’t know how you taste? Do I watch you pick up a guy in a bar and pretend I don’t know the sounds you’re going to make when you go home with him? I don’t know that I’m strong enough to do that, Sunshine. Every time we give in to this connection between us, it’s going to be harder to go back to normal.’

She knew he was right. And it terrified her, but summoning all of her courage, Abby asked in a small voice, ‘You were in love with me? Back then?’

His smile lifted, some of the sadness bleeding out of it. ‘Is that what I said? Sorry. I misspoke.’

She pulled her hand out from under Erik’s and stood quickly, wondering how he could have delivered that speech and then immediately dashed her hopes again. He reached for her again, pulling her towards him. Her sneakers slid on the dusty concrete, bringing her neatly between his legs. The height of the bench had them almost face to face.

‘You’re not getting it. It’s not that I was in love with you. I still am. I’ve never stopped. I’m never going to stop.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘Because I’ve tried. It didn’t work. It didn’t work when you broke my heart that morning. It didn’t work when uni gave me distance from you. It didn’t work when I kissed and dated and slept with other girls, desperate to get you out of my system. It didn’t work when I moved to the other side of the world so I’d only see you once or twice a year. Each time I went on a date, all I could think was how much more fun I’d be having with you. Each time I kissed someone, I thought how much I wanted it to be you instead, because our first kiss, teeth bumping together and all, was the single greatest moment of my life. No one has ever compared to you. No one has ever been as smart or funny or interesting or beautiful. No one else woke me up and made me feel like I could do anything. No one else was you. And they never will be.’

Abby’s breath caught as he stood, pulling her even closer.

‘I’m not asking you to say it back. Not yet. But I know this is more than friendship to you. So whatever’s holding you back, tell me. I’ll fix it. I’ll always fix it.’

Tears began to fall from her eyes as he spoke, and he brushed them away so tenderly she thought her knees might give out.

‘I’m scared I’ll hurt you,’ she whispered.

‘I’ll forgive you. That’s what love is.’

‘I’m scared that I’ll always want too much of you. And that one day it’ll be more than you can give.’

Erik took her hand again, pressing a featherlight kiss to her wrist before placing her fingers over his heart. It beat steadily, a heavy thud anchoring her to him, to that quiet strength he always shared with her. ‘Abby, I never want you to stop asking for more of me. You could scrape me raw from the inside out and I would beg you to dig deeper. I am aching to give you everything. If you want more of me, fucking take it. Every part of me worth anything has always belonged to you anyway. And I know you don’t see it, because you constantly underestimate what you mean to me, but it goes both ways. You give me so much of yourself, without me even asking. All the bits of your soul you’ve ever trusted me with are my favourite gifts. Trust me with your heart too.’

Tears fell faster now, blurring her vision. This gentleness, even with all the hurt and confusion she had caused him, was why she had pulled away from him, resisting her feelings for so long. He was so endlessly good.

‘I’m a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I need a lot of reassurance. And eventually I always end up being too much for people. I talk all the time. I’m too loud, too excitable.’ How ironic that her voice sounded the smallest it ever had.

Erik pulled her into his chest, letting her tears soak into his dark jumper. It was as soft as it looked. Threading his fingers through her hair, he rubbed small, soothing circles into her scalp. ‘So I’ll take every opportunity to remind you that you are adored and wonderful. Tell me how exactly that’s different from what I do now?’

Abby’s lips curved slightly, and she marvelled at his ability to make her smile even when she was falling apart.

Erik moved one hand to cup her face delicately, as if she were something fragile, breakable. Which right now, she supposed, she was.

‘As for being too much, yeah, you probably are. You’re feisty and passionate and brilliant and that is always going to be too much for stupid, boring people.’ He ducked his head to her ear. ‘So fuck ’em.’

His words combined with the tickle of his breath actually brought a snort of laughter from her.