Trust (London Love #5)

“It’s just… Reubs, I’ve never met anyone like you. Anyone I liked as much as you. And when you meet people who are that special, you’re supposed to look after them. Treasure them. My mum’s words again, but I didn’t look after you, did I? I just bumbled along and did stupid things instead of listening to what you were saying.”

“True,” I agreed. “But I should have listened to you too. I heard what you were telling me, but I don’t think I actually took it all in. So…yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“I…think I should apologize. I’ve been…I mean, Gray? I’ve been so wound up just trying to cope with myself and dealing with the fact that I’m kind of…into blokes. Which isn’t a bad thing but it’s a lot to figure out when you’ve kind of lived your whole life comfortably in the straight bracket. I didn’t know. Never did. And then I took it all out on you. I…should have handled that better. Dealt with you better. Not just been a frustrated dick…with dick issues.”

“You should write song lyrics. And don’t apologize. We both suck at everything.”

Very him. I had to laugh.

“No, thanks. It’s bad enough having Lee bad-mouth you on TV. You don’t need me and my non-existent song-writing skills elbowing in on the action. I can’t believe he’s still going on.”

“What’s he saying now?”

“Nothing important.” I wasn’t paying any attention.

He sniffled. “I switched it off. I’m sure it will be all over the web tomorrow anyway.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “And next week, it will be some other drama. Someone else’s book being promoted.”

“Well, it won’t be mine,” he said gloomily. “I had meetings in London last week. I flunked on a lot of things and now everyone hates me. I should have been down there fighting, instead I fucked off. Musa had a right go at me.”

“Who’s Musa again?” I said it so he’d laugh. I liked hearing him laugh.

“You always— Oh, sorry, gotta go. Someone’s calling me. Can I call you back? Please, Reubs?”

“Yeah, ring me later.”

It was good to hear his voice. The soft hush of his laughter.

And I wondered if my dad had been right. Was I truly being a ginormous wanker?

I honestly didn’t know anymore.

At least I made it to work. Did what I did. Tried hard to make myself concentrate instead of standing at my desk staring at the wall.

I was tired. I was honestly so, so tired. Of my life. Of my stupidity. Of my brain refusing to cooperate with me and bloody calm down with all the thoughts. The worries. Anxious bats flapping around in my stomach whenever I thought of him.

I’d fucked up, hadn’t I? Let go of something that had actually been good for me. Because for weeks I’d been the happiest I’d ever been, and it wasn’t until now I’d realised that.

I crawled into bed just after midnight, exhausted, only for my phone to start buzzing in my hand as his name filled the screen.

“I knew you’d be in bed by now,” he said, staring back at me with a pillow under his head. Same as me.

“You okay?” I had to ask. I needed him to be, and that was another thing that made me antsy.

“I’m okay. I have to come back down south and have some meetings. Can’t put it off any longer. There’s only so much I can do over the phone, but coming home has been good for me. Made me see things a little clearer.”

“Coming home is always good. Puts things in their place, doesn’t it?”

Not that I’d know. I’d never been further north than Watford, and I’d never left the UK. Gray had been around the world, more than once. I couldn’t claim to know anything, lying here in my bed with Mr Snuggles.

“When I come back…can I please see you? Just for a little bit. I think I need to.”

“Yeah, all right.”

My willpower? Gone, apparently. I wanted to see him.