The Muse's Undoing

“That’s right. The one who wears the carnations.”

“Everyday. Fresh.”

“What color was it yesterday.”

“Pink and white. I think it was dyed.”

I smile. “What’ll you do after work?”

“Not sure yet. I’ll email you and let you know what I decide.”

“Will you?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“I’d like that,” I tell him.

He goes quiet, but I can tell by the way he’s breathing that he’s not asleep.

Letting go of his hand, I make a move to turn and face him. He backs up slightly to accommodate me, and I find him frowning when I look at him. “You’ll be careful with yourself, too while I’m gone?” I ask.

He nods, staring at me in a way that makes my heart break.

Suddenly I feel heavy. “I just mean have fun, but be safe.”

“You don’t have to give me any brotherly wisdom. I’m gonna be fine. I promise.”

“So you’re allowed to promise that, but I’m not?”

“Basically, yeah. I don’t trust you with yourself.”

Would it be too weird to hold his hand now that I’m facing him? I want to. Last chance, my thoughts whisper at me. I reach down and take it back. “I’ll miss you. I can’t thank you enough for taking care of me. I’ve never felt like I needed someone that much.”

He squeezes my hand and closes his eyes. “You’re welcome. I’m glad it was me.”

One second, I think I’m making a huge mistake by leaving him here in this city, all by himself, and then the next thought that flashes through my mind involves pressing my mouth to his and showing him how much I appreciate him instead of all these cheap words he’ll forget the second I drive away.

In the end, that’s how I know leaving is the only choice that won’t ruin us both.

5

FISCHER & MATTHEW

ONE MONTH LATER

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Poland

I’m on my way to Poland. It’s cold as fuck, but it’s probably cold there, too. Tell Maggie I’m proud of her for dropping out of school. I never thought design was where her heart was, but I can see you doing something like that. Maybe not fashion photography, but I bet you could come up with some trippy furniture.

No nightmares this week so far—not that I know of. I feel like this is boring. I used to think I was such a good writer. What’s going on in Poland you ask? Nothing, but it’s next to a country where a lot is going on, so we’ll just play like we’re in the middle of the action—the magic of television.

Anyway catch me up, and don’t make me have to ask about the carnation.

From: [email protected]