Lib Novel Page 97
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to watch that movie again.
The brightest spot of the past few weeks is the perfect building Mac found for my new shop. I purchased it in a hurry, and the business license is currently in process. I named it Polka Dots after Nanna Dot, because it’s her money that’s made this possible. Now I get to improve the space on my own, since Jordy is no longer speaking to me.
Which is why I’m here past 10 p.m., with a bottle of wine, a Bluetooth speaker playing my favorite music, and a paint roller. I went with yellow since it makes me so happy. Never mind that it was the color of the dress I was wearing the night my life went to hell; I’m taking it back and painting the walls around me with it.
Painting is kind of like meditation, and I lose myself in the broad strokes and careful edging. I’m so lost in the project, I nearly leap out of my skin when I hear the light knocking on the glass door. Fumbling with the paint roller, I look toward the door to see my mom standing there, a bag of food in her hand.
The only reason I’m letting her in is because I’m starving.
“What do you want?” I ask as I open the door. “How did you know I was here?”
“I’m not supposed to tell you,” she says, which I understand to mean that Jordy told her. She’s the only one in the family I’ve told through my unanswered texts. At least she’s reading them.
“How is Jordy?” I ask, and my mom shakes her head as if she won’t tell me. But then she leans forward, as if to keep what she’s about to say secret from the hundreds of people around us in this empty space.
“Not so high and mighty anymore,” she says, almost gleefully.
My mom is an awful gossip. Both she and Aunt Lil are. So it’s not surprising she finds amusement in this situation. In the past, I’ve glommed onto this, feeling a sense of connection when she shares gossip with me. But this time, I recognize the sickness in it, the way it’s a source of power for her—an ugly one at that.
“Mom, she just found out her whole relationship is a lie. That’s hardly something to feel happy about.”
My mom looks shocked for a moment, then narrows her eyes. “That’s rich, coming from you. You’re actually correcting my behavior when you’re the harlot who stole her fiancé?”
I pause for a moment, taking in the words she’s spitting at me. They just don’t have the same impact. I’ve beat myself up over this for weeks. For months! I’m so damn tired. I can’t take back what I did, and I know it was wrong, but my mom has been calling me these names since long before they were true, and frankly, it’s just getting tiresome.
I tilt my head at her, offering a look of confusion on my face. “Harlot? Is that one of those old-timey words?”
She bites her lip, and I think she’s going to be mad. But then I realize she’s fighting a laugh. Finally she loses it, and all I can do is watch with bewilderment as she is practically crying from laughing so hard.
“Oh honey, I needed that.” She wipes at her eyes, still laughing. “That’s what your grandmother used to call me. I hated that word because of the way it made me feel. I can’t even believe I used it now. God, I sound just like her.” She sighs out a breath. “I’m sorry, I came over here to find out how you’re doing after all that drama.”
“Drama. That’s what we’re calling it?” I ask. “Mom, I slept with Jordy’s fiancé. We were getting ready to make it official. But Jordy found out before we were ready, and now I’ve lost everyone. So how am I doing? I’m doing pretty awful. I’m alone in that old house, I’ve lost the last person in this family who cared about me, and I have no one to blame but myself. So, things aren’t that great right now.”
“Jordy and Brayden weren’t going to last,” my mom breezes out. “Those two were night and day. They couldn’t have been more different.”
“That’s not the point, Mom.” Then I pause. “Wait, why are you even defending me? Just a second ago, you were calling me a harlot. Now you’re acting like she deserved it.”
“I guess, I…” She trails off. “I just realized…” She stops again. “Look, your Uncle Dan had some words for both Lil and me after the whole wedding. We all saw what happened, and how it affected both of you. When he found out that I didn’t talk to you after Jordy found out … well, you know … he told me I was an awful mother. I tried to argue with him, but I’ve had some time to think, and I realized that I could have done a few things better.”
“That’s an understatement,” I mutter.
“The point is,” she says, ignoring me, “you’re right that you shouldn’t have slept with Jordy’s fiancé, but you’re hardly the worst person in the world because of it. Hell, how do you think I got your father?”
“You stole Dad from another woman?” This is the first time I’m hearing this story, and I’m floored.
“Well, he was with Kitty Majors, who was seriously the most annoying person in our class. I did him a favor by dodging that bullet.”
“Mom, that’s terrible,” I say, but I’m also laughing. It’s not quite as bad as carrying on a relationship with my cousin’s fiancé, but it does soften my shame about it. Then I recall the earlier part of our conversation. “Nanna Dot called you a harlot?”
“Oh lord, she called me worse. Honestly, that woman’s sole purpose was to make my sister’s and my life miserable. She couldn’t be happy, so she made sure we weren’t either. Oh, here,” she remembers the bag she brought and pushes it toward me. “I picked up some burgers on the way because that’s all that’s open right now.”
I peer in the bag and see two greasy burgers and two orders of French fries from Sonic. I know they serve salads too, so the fact that she ordered the burgers instead is a shock.
“Who are you, and what have you done with my mother?”
“I know,” she groans. “But I’ve been meaning to check on you since Dan read both Lil and me the riot act, and figured these made a better peace offering than health food.”
“This is not like you,” I say, but I dig in anyways. One thing these past couple weeks have taught me is that I am my own best advocate, and I know what’s best for me. Including food. I will never be good enough in my mother’s eyes, so why am I trying so hard? Why try with any of them? I can eat what I want, especially if it makes me happy.