Out of Focus (Love in LA #3)

“Happy enough to stay?” she asks hopefully.

“I’m not sure. It’s only been a few weeks, and Robert keeps asking when I’ll be back to get things moving with the CFO transition and with us.” Just thinking about it has my stomach in knots.

Elaina’s eyes are full of sympathy. “I understand. It’s a lot to think about. But now that we know you’re C.M. Howe, do you think you might like to be a bit more involved in the process of making the movies? I feel like we’re always defaulting to your agent, and he’s great and all, but he’s not you, you know?” There’s a hint of guilt in her demeanor. She told Adam. Of course she did; he’s her husband. I’m not going to be upset about that, but…

“Does anyone else know?” I ask quietly. It’s very possible Adam talked about it with Rafael, and he’s been keeping it secret from me, even if we did agree to honesty at all times.

“I asked Adam not to say anything. I’m sorry I told him. I was just so excited that it’s you.” She fidgets nervously with the end of the baby blanket on her lap.

I wave away her concern. “Oh, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I just haven’t told Raf yet. But I will.” I know I have to.

“Raf, huh? Not Rafael?” Her hands relax, and a small smile tips the corners of her lips up.

“We’ve been friendlier with one another. He’s really nice.” Nice. It’s been my word of choice lately when I think about all the things Rafael actually is. Kind. Thoughtful. Safe. Perceptive. Irresistible. Hot. Sexy. So damn sexy. All. The. Time.

Like when he’s making me come with his mouth. Or when he kisses me. When he looks at me like he wants me. Definitely when he says things like, Fuck the list, Charlie, and let me fuck you with my mouth. You want to know what a relationship is like? This is how it should be. With your man desperate to taste you.

But he’s not that. He’s not my man. He’s just helping me, and he’s doing a damn fine job of it.

Focusing back on the present, I noice Lainey’s eyes are filled with tears, which is perfectly normal for her. “Thank you. Thank you for making an effort to get to know him.” Her eyes widen, and she gasps. “Has he been helping you? With your book?”

Oh boy. I won’t lie, but I can’t tell her the whole truth. “Um, yeah, I’ve felt a bit more inspired lately.” There. Not a lie.

She clasps her hands together, quietly clapping. “I can’t wait to read it!”

We watch The Office in silence for a couple of episodes until Maeve stirs. “I smell donuts,” she mumbles. “Oh, I love this episode.” She’s been awake for thirty seconds; how can she possibly know this is the episode when Pam and Jim finally kiss? Then again, she’s probably watched this show a hundred times.

“Hey, how did you know that you were in love?” It’s a question that’s been on my mind a lot recently, with Robert suddenly feeling so sure about us and me feeling so not.

“Adam has always been so steady. He’s my calm, and no offense to either of you because you’re my bitches and I’d kill for you, but he’s my best friend, too.” She pauses in thought. “It took me a while to admit to myself that I was in love with him because I was scared, but when I saw him in Marblehead, there was no doubt in my mind. And, um…” She rubs at her chest, like she’s applying a balm. “With Andy, it was the kind of love that grew from feeling like someone finally understood me, no judgment, no conditions. We were that for each other, and of course, it’s like that now, too, but falling in love at eighteen is very different from at twenty-eight.”

“Hmm. Yeah, I mean, I’ve only ever loved one man, but the love I feel for him now and the love I felt at nineteen? Totally different.” Maeve pats her belly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I knew I loved Owen at nineteen because his presence alone, even through a screen, was enough to make me feel alive. Seeing him, knowing he was safe, it was like oxygen to my air-deprived lungs.” She shakes her head, a sad smile playing on her lips. I know how difficult those years without Owen were for her, even if she never talked about it. “And then last year, being around him again, seeing how he relentlessly loved me, I finally saw myself as worthy of that love too. Plus, he has a really great dick, and boy, does he know how to use?—”

“I was just about to say how sweet that was.” Eva’s gentle voice comes from the other side of the room.

“What the fuck, Ma! Are you some kind of ninja, sneaking in here so quietly?” Lainey hisses as she rubs at her temples, then sets her eyes on Maeve. “And for the love of all that is good in this world, stop talking about my brother’s dick!”

Maeve’s first response is a laugh. “Never, Bon. Your reaction is just too good. Though, I am sorry you walked in on that, Ma. That was not for your ears.” She shoots her mother-in-law an apologetic look, which Eva scoffs at.

“Oh, please. You’re not even a little bit sorry.” She laughs, and we all follow suit.

“How did you know, Eva? If that’s not a totally inappropriate question, that is.” I add that in quickly, not wanting to be insensitive to either Elaina or Eva.

“Not at all, sweetheart. Oh, I knew I loved Douglas when we went away together for the first time, and I got my period. Instead of being totally grossed out or disappointed, he got me all my favorite snacks, movies, and a hot water bottle. We’d only been dating for a couple of months, and he told me he’d always take care of me. I believed him. And he never failed on that promise.” She sniffles, and there isn’t a dry eye in the room. Not even mine. Wiping away her tears, she looks me in the eye with so much kindness that it’s impossible to look away. “There are lots of ways to know, Charlie. There isn’t a right one, only a right one for you. A right moment, a right action, a right person. You’ll know. Trust that. Trust your heart.” Her smile is both reassuring and calming.

Trust my heart? But I’ve never done that before. I’m a logical person. I gather facts, weight them against one another and then make a decision. What does my heart have to do with that? What if my heart makes the wrong decision? Not that my brain has been any better at it lately.

You’ll know. Trust that.

I let those words comfort me, and I hope with everything in me that Eva is right.

38/

stop ignoring me, charlotte.

charlie

We ended up staying for lunch, and my sister seemed in better spirits by the time we all left, just in time for Julia’s second nap. Maeve’s, too.