Graceless (Grace Notes #2)

“No,” she said. “Obviously, I understand the concept. It’s just the more I read about it, the more asinine it becomes. And then you look at all this-” She lifted her phone and flashed them a headline about Republican laws forcing transgender children from their supportive families under the guise of child protection laws, her eyes flashing with rage. “You just wonder what the hell they’re so afraid of that they can’t even let little children be themselves.”

“They hate anyone they can’t control,” Lane said evenly. “Women, queer people, anyone even slightly non-binary. The right pretend they care about children. They hate children. People like that have been trying to destroy me since I was in kindergarten.”

Mia grabbed their hand and squeezed it fiercely. Lane let her, for a moment, before carefully disentangling.

“I get that,” Aria said softly. “They especially hate children if they’re Black. We’re not even allowed to be children in their eyes, just already culpable, disposable and dangerous by the time we can walk.”

“Fuck conservatives.” Mia squeezed her empty hand into a fist on the tabletop. “They’re poisonous. If you’re not white, straight and cisgender, they’d rather you died.”

“I don’t know,” Lane said softly. They thought of Cassidy, the bullet points she spoke sometimes about higher education, about gender, about sexuality. They thought of her dating some guy for almost a year who never once cared about her pleasure. They thought of her face as she tried to deny that anyone had hurt her, about her split-second instinctual street smarts in the face of aggressive men. “I think they’ll hurt you even then. I think they can make you hate yourself, no matter who you are.”

The three of them worked on in silence for a while.

“Do you guys want to get burgers?” Aria spoke up as she checked the time. Lane glanced at the library windows in surprise. The shadows were growing long. They’d been happily absorbed in the work, side-by-side with Mia and Aria, for once not trying to escape at the earliest possible second. Was Lane… making friends with early childhood students? Mia stretched and gathered up her notes.

“Can’t,” she said with a slightly smug smile. “I’ve got a date.” Lane looked up. She was watching their face, eager for their reaction.

“Cool,” they said, aiming for nonchalance.

“Yeah.” She got to her feet, tucking a lock of soft green hair behind her ear. “Figured I’d spend some time with someone who isn’t all hung up on some blonde straight girl.” She picked up her bag and blew them both a kiss. “Just for now, of course,” she threw over her shoulder with a confident smirk and a little finger wave before she flounced off. Lane could only stare.

Aria laughed

“Did she just dump you?” She raised her eyebrows. “Guess you’re going to have to up your game. What do you reckon, just you and me?”

“Thank you for the offer,” Lane said, actually meaning it, “but there’s somewhere I need to be.”

“Mm, I’ll bet.” Aria smiled.

When they got home, Lane looked for Cassidy everywhere. She wasn’t sunning herself by the pool, or reclining on a sofa in any of the living rooms. She wasn’t hiding in her room even though Lane peeked, just briefly, when their knock went unanswered, the sight of her unmade bed and rumpled sheets doing something weird to their insides. She wasn’t curled up in the music room or helping herself in the kitchen. Brynn was home, laughing with Savannah in the singer’s study, so she wasn’t staying late at the studio. They walked out to the horse paddocks. She wasn’t there either. Then Lane blinked. Neither was her horse friend.

Shit. The sun had already sunk behind the hills and the sky was rapidly darkening. They quickly checked the stables and sure enough, there was a saddle missing. Lane swore again, their heart rate climbing as they surveyed the surrounding fields. They couldn’t see a returning rider anywhere. Goddamnit, Cassidy didn’t know the territory; there was no mobile reception after you left the back paddock and Savannah’s rule of no solo rides for newbies was for a solid reason.

Lane’s vision was already filled with a crumpled body flung off under the trees or crushed under a ton of silly equine as they grabbed another saddle and bridle and jumped the fence to the next paddock where the big dappled gray Misty stood. She stepped sideways, not liking Lane’s agitated movements, dodging the bridle twice as they reached for her.

“You know you kind of suck with horses,” came the observation from the other side of the fence. Lane whirled around, just in time to see Cassidy climb down from Jasper’s back and lead him into the stable to unclip his saddle. She must have snuck from the Western path, the final stretch approaching from behind the Linden trees. Lane grabbed their own bridle and saddle and marched into the stable, where they shoved them roughly back into place. Cassidy was briskly brushing Jasper down in the gloomy light, talking to him softly.

Lane went back outside into the dusk and took a moment to kick the shit out of a small mound of packed dirt, before forcing themself to take deep slow breaths.

“You good?” Cassidy asked warily, leading Jasper around them and back to his own paddock, where she slipped off his bridle and let him go. Lane followed her around to the fence line. “What?” Cassidy sounded exasperated when they stopped beside her, trying not to lose their mind.

“You can’t ride alone,” they started, their tone as mellow as they could possibly make it. Cassidy’s head snapped up, two blotches of pink appearing on her cheeks.

“Oh, for crying out loud! Savannah told me my only option was to ride with you, and that’s clearly not an option at all-”

“Why not?” Lane was aggrieved. “I would ride with you. You haven’t even asked me!”

“I don’t need to ask you!” Cassidy cried. “First you didn’t like me, then you decided we were using each other. I don’t know what you’re doing here, because we clearly shouldn’t be around each other at all.”

“Cassidy.” Lane took a breath. “I’m sorry. I misspoke.”

“Whatever.” She looked at the ground. “You clearly meant it. Let’s just let it go.” She turned to walk away.

“Do you want to know what I’m doing here?” Lane called after her. “I was terrified you were lying hurt somewhere out there-” they gestured wildly at the dark trees and hills all around them, “and I was about to get on a horse and fucking ride everywhere I could think of, in the dark, to come find you.”

Cassidy stopped walking. She turned around slowly and looked at them.

“So you’re a decent human,” she said quietly. “Thanks for caring if I’m dead.”