Darkest Sins (Perfectly Imperfect #9)

I grip the balcony railing and stare at the glow of the city before me. Zara has been staying with me ever since our father was killed. She’s taken over my bedroom while I’ve been sleeping on the couch in the living room. As soon as we returned from attending the burial, she shut herself inside. I can’t figure out if it was the funeral that shook her or if it was seeing Massimo.

Coming face-to-face with my stepbrother after so many years certainly shook me. I also can’t help but wonder what he’d like to talk to me about, especially after he refused to have us visit him all this time, and now has made it clear that he wants to have this discussion with me alone. However, when I called the correctional facility to arrange the visit for tomorrow, I was informed that Massimo started a fight when he got back today and has been placed in solitary confinement for a week, which will be followed by a two-month ban on visitors.

The gusting wind blows a curtain into me, and as the smooth material touches my arm, that subtle tingling sensation spreads across my skin, entrenching itself into each of my pores. Just as it does when my demon is watching me. I sigh and rub my palms over my arms. Even though I know he’s far away at this moment, doing God knows what in Mexico, I still glance down to the street below, hoping I’ll see him lurking in the shadows.

But there’s no one there.

I stare at the balcony across the street, eyes glued on my tiger cub as the wind blows into her beautiful but grief-stricken face. The black hole that has formed within my chest is sucking me in, as if trying to swallow me whole into its oblivion, drowning me in despair and helplessness. Nothing I can do now to turn back time, to undo what I have already done. No way to atone for my darkest sin. There is no forgiveness for my deed.

The stabbing ache at my temples has gotten worse, most likely from the lack of sleep. Other than a few hours I caught last night, right here on this roof, I haven’t slept in days. I reach for the bottle of water at my feet to take a big drag, then put it back next to the empty fast-food container. Sustenance was the last thing on my mind, but I could feel my body shutting down, so I bought the first takeout I found. I don’t even know what the hell I ate.

Ignoring everything I’m feeling, I keep my vigil. My cub leans away from the railing and heads inside, shutting the balcony door behind her. Through the still-open curtains, I watch as she prepares for sleep. She disappears for ten minutes, but returns wearing her pajamas and lies down on the couch in her made-up bed.

For a few minutes, she remains bathed in the light of a floor lamp before she turns it off. Darkness descends and veils my view of Nera’s place. And I keep watching, even though I can’t see her anymore.

Chapter 23

Two months later

“I still haven’t decided who it’s going to be, but you’ll be informed well in advance,” Batista Leone says from his big office chair.

“I will be informed?” I stare at him, flabbergasted. It’s been only two months since we buried my father. And barely a month since Leone took over the position of don.

“Yes. You’ll have sufficient time to pick out a dress and have your wishes regarding the decorations adhered to.”

“You’re not marrying me off to anyone, Batista.”

“It’s Don Leone for you.” He slams his palm on the desk, his eyes bulging under his thick white eyebrows. “Forget your old privileges, girl. You’re nothing more than an asset now. An asset I plan to use well.”

My whole body tenses. No one would have dared to talk to me like this before, not even him while he was an underboss. But he’s the don now, and the truth is, he can do whatever the hell he wants. If I say no, he’ll just proclaim me a traitor to the Family and order someone to make me disappear. Bile collects in my throat. I feel sick.

“I’m considering someone from the Albanian organization,” he adds. “Or maybe Salvo.”

I raise an eyebrow. Salvo was never a fan of Leone, and he never tried to hide it. I was rather surprised when I heard Leone appointed Salvo to be his second-in-command, but now things are starting to make more sense. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Leone is going to try to win Salvo over by giving the new underboss my hand in marriage.

“Is that all?” I ask through my teeth.

“Yes.” He reaches for the newspaper on his desk. “You’re dismissed.”

The chair makes a screeching sound on the floor as I spring up. Both fury and despair are raging within me as I walk toward the door. I’ve almost reached it when Leone’s voice stops me.

“I think you’ve forgotten something, Nera.”

I shut my eyes for a moment to pull myself together, then turn to face him. Approaching his desk on rubber legs, I lean over and peck the ring on his outstretched hand. “Have a nice day”—I swallow—“Don Leone.”

His lips widen into an egotistical smile, and then he’s back to reading his newspaper.

Only once I get inside my car do I allow myself to fall apart. I lean my forehead onto the steering wheel and let out a sob—a mix of grief, helplessness, and worry. Grief over my father not being here anymore. Helplessness because I have no idea what I’m going to do. But worry is all abouthim, my demon. It’s born of fear that something has happened to him, because it’s been two months, and I haven’t heard from him at all.

Anguished, I’m spiraling into a dark abyss at the possibility that he won’t be back as promised. But he has never broken hisword before, so I have to believe that if he said he’ll return, that day will come, and he’ll be there—no matter what. Every night for the past ten weeks, I’ve been waiting for him on my roof, standing in the cool darkness till the sun rose on the horizon, but he’s never shown. Chilled to the bone, I’ve even thought I felt the familiar prickles on my skin. They’ve always told me when he’s near.

I’ve been so worried, I’ve made myself sick, and that goose-bumps-raising sensation is always there. Like yesterday, when I ran out to the grocery store to get myself more crackers. Saltines seem to be the only thing I can keep down lately as I stress about my demon night and day. Two days ago, I felt it too, as I went to the fabric store with Zara. And on Saturday, taking my car to get washed, I waited in the line up and felt the tingles all over my flesh. I think I’m going mad.

I look up and squeeze the steering wheel with all my might. Maybe he’ll return today. He’ll come to me this evening. If I believe with all my heart, it may just happen. He’ll show up and he’ll, somehow, make everything okay.

Yes.

I brush away my tears and start the engine.