The Rocker's Muse

“The risk of permanent damage is small,” she said.

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve been reading up on it ever since you told me.”

I sucked in a breath. “You think I should do it?”

“I think you should take some time to think about it once you leave here, and then you should follow your instincts. If you allow yourself enough quiet time, your intuition will tell you what to do. If this is going to continue to plague you, surgery is something you should consider.”

“And what if it fucks up my voice, and I can’t sing anymore?”

“Don’t even think about that. What we focus on becomes more of a reality. Just think positively and believe you’re gonna be okay.”

“Now you sound like Ronan.” I chuckled.

“If you lose your voice, you can always come back to Shady Hills and hide out. There’s even a McDonald’s you can go to and eat your burger at closing time.” She winked.

“Ah, yes.” I smiled.

“That’s the dream, isn’t it?”

“What’s your dream, Emily? Besides the bunny-in-a-basket one I botched.”

“Bertha’s the dream I never knew I had.” She laughed. “I don’t really have a dream right now.”

“Sure, you do. You must. If you could do anything you wanted, without anything holding you back, what would you do?”

“You mean, if I had a million dollars sitting in my mother’s bank account that some crazy man left for me? Which I still have no intention of spending.”

“Doesn’t have to cost money. Just something you dream about doing.”

She stared up at the ceiling. “I feel like I’m supposed to have an answer to that question, but I don’t. What I want isn’t tangible. The only thing I really want is a true sense of peace. Jobs and adventures don’t matter as much if you have lingering dread or guilt inside you. I don’t feel peace here in Shady Hills. But at the same time, I don’t know where to go. I feel lost.”

“Peace isn’t a place,” I said. “It’s a state of being. You need to live in the present. We all do. Hanging on to the past is as futile as worrying about an imagined future.” I patted the couch. “Like here, right now? I’m exactly where I want to be. Sitting here in this quiet house, talking to you. Not on a surgery table like my imagination would have me go. And not in the past, performing on some stage while my son was being rocked to sleep by someone who wasn’t me.” I paused. That one’s tough to swallow. “But neither of those situations exists right now. The future is fear, and the past is regret. The only peace we have is now.”

“I think you’re the one turning into Ronan.”

“Yeah, maybe he’s been rubbing off on me.”

“It’s true, though. You’re right. This right now, here with you…is pretty nice.”

“I think that’s why I’ve always liked being around you,” I said. “Because my mind never wanders. It doesn’t want to.”

She rested her chin on her hand and whispered, “I feel the same, Tristan.”

“Did your breakup with Ethan have anything to do with me?”

“Cocky, aren’t we?” I smiled. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t. Regardless of the answer, I never felt he was good enough for you. Then again, I probably wouldn’t think anyone was good enough for you.” I laughed under my breath. “Least of all me.”

“Why not you? From everything I can see, you’re a pretty damn good person.”

“A good person wouldn’t covet his dead son’s girlfriend.”

A tense silence filled the room.

My voice was barely a whisper. “Do you know how hard it is to sit across from you and not touch you?”