Lib Novel Page 72
“She’d moved from the address I had for her, the one Jacob had written down. And the person who lives there now didn’t know where she’d relocated. I never had a chance to tell her. I decided to try to find you instead.”
He held his stomach. “I feel sick.” When I came over to comfort him, he warned me away. While that hurt, I understood. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to touch me, either.
“Tell me what you need, Tristan. I’ll do anything to help you get through this.”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “What I need you can’t give me. I fucking need to turn back time. I need my son not to be dead. I need Cheyenne to have told me the goddamn truth more than two decades ago. I’ll never get what I need.”
My voice was barely audible. “I’m so sorry.”
He stared back down at the photo. “She needs to know he died.”
“I know.”
Tristan rushed toward the door. “I have to fly to Iowa.”
“Will you be able to find her?”
He paced. “I’m sure her family still lives in Spirit Lake. Someone will be able to tell me where she is.”
“Are you going to try to find her before you go to Europe?”
“I feel like I have to.”
My heart raced. “Do you need me to go with you?”
“No. I need to do this alone.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. You need to work. And you’ve done enough.”
I’ve done enough. I wanted to throw up. “Do you mean that in a bad way?”
His expression softened. “No, Emily. You were the only one who had the decency to tell me I had a son.”
“You should hate me right now for the way I let my feelings get in the way of everything. I only made things more complicated, and I’m sorry.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “You didn’t do anything wrong. But I understand now why you felt it couldn’t work between us. Everything makes sense, and yet nothing makes sense. The last twenty-plus years of my life were a complete lie.” He placed his hand on the doorknob. “I should go.”
“What if you can’t find her before you have to go to Europe?”
“Then I’ll go on tour with my fucking heart in my mouth and figure out a way to finish it. But I won’t rest until I tell her. And I won’t rest until I look Cheyenne in the eyes and ask her to explain why she never told me about the most important thing to ever happen in my life.”
“Before you go…” I walked over to the box and took out Jacob’s journals and the photos. I held everything in a pile, returning to where Tristan stood. “I want you to take these. You should look through everything. These are his most recent private thoughts. It will help you learn about him.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. You can give them back to me, if you want, when you’re done looking through everything. Or you can keep them. You have more of a right to them than anyone.”
He took them from me. “Thank you.”
I wanted to ask when I’d hear from him, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t blame him if he never called me again. Even the pain of that felt better than having to hide everything from him. My feelings for Tristan were just as strong as they always were, so I could only hope both of us would find our way to some peace with all of this. I loved him. It was as simple—and as impossibly complicated—as that.
CHAPTER 25
TRISTAN
It felt surreal. Suddenly I was fifteen again, standing in front of Cheyenne’s mother’s door. I had no idea how much Mrs. Benson knew about any of this, or what I was going to say. I just had to wing it.