The Muse's Undoing

“I did call, and I’m right here. And so was Gavin, by the way.”

“He said you didn’t send him.”

Fischer gives me a disbelieving look. “Is he that good of a liar?”

I scowl. “Apparently.” It’s way harder to be angry with Fischer than with my family. My whole life—as bad of a brother as he was, as many times as he’s broken my heart—I don’t think I’ve ever actually been angry with him.

“I told you Raven was obsessed with you,” I say, unable to argue his facts. Still, I’m not done arguing in general. All the adrenaline from smashing the tree hasn’t left my system yet.

“I might have been having trouble seeing past my obsession with you,” he says.

Fuck him for saying the perfect thing. The part of me that wants to strangle him is rapidly being replaced by the part that wants to hold him. I have no spine when it comes to him.

“I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not,” I admit. “Obsession is fun and everything, but it burns out. I want more than that with you. I always have.” I also want to be someone he’ll never leave again.

“I have to be honest with you about something,” he spills.

I shut my eyes. If this is about Raven—if he was fucking her while we were fucking each other…

“I want you to have a life bigger than what I can give you.”

I scowl. That’s the last thing I expected him to say, and it’s not giving let’s stay together. “Meaning what?”

“Meaning I want you to be with someone who can be out with you. Show you off. Kiss you and hold your hand in public. At this point, I can’t offer you that, and I don’t think I’ll be able to for years. If I didn’t have Vaughn, I’d ask you to move away with me. Leave this town and all the judgment behind.”

“I understand you can’t leave Vaughn. I’d never ask that. I wouldn’t love you half as much if you felt like you wanted to walk away from your kid for some guy you like to fuck.”

“That’s so reductive,” he says, sounding insulted.

“You just said you don’t want a relationship with me, Fischer. I don’t know how you thought I’d take that, but you’re not stupid. You had to know it wouldn’t settle well.”

“That’s not what I said at all. I said I can’t be out with you. And that you deserve someone who can be.”

“Fine. What fucking difference does it make? You’re breaking up with me. I get it.”

“I’m not,” he says more firmly. His hand lands heavily on my leg. “Matthew—are you okay?”

“Why would you ask me that? No, I’m not fucking okay. First of all, I don’t like anyone thinking you’re some sort of predator, second, I don’t like people looking at me like I’m a goddamn victim. Third, I can barely function anymore without you, and after all that—I’ve got nothing to show for it. I’ve got fucking nothing. No job. No brother. No boyfriend.”

“No tree,” he says.

“Fuck the fucking tree, Fischer. The tree was sparkly bullshit.”

“I loved it,” he says, and he sounds all choked up.

I fight the urge to shake him. I said some important shit just then, and he’s still hung up on the tree.

“Is this what it takes to be together?” he asks. “We have to lose everything first?”

Okay, so he was listening. “It doesn’t sound like you want us to be together.

“I wish you would just shut the fuck up and listen to me.”

“That’s not what I need to hear right now, at all,” I say.

“Maybe I should come back in the morning,” he says. “Start fresh.”

“It is morning. And you’re not going anywhere. You’re barely awake.”