The Muse's Undoing

“Yeah,” I choke out.

“I’m sorry he ran from you,” she says.

“Don’t take his kid, Nicole.”

Our eyes meet. “Can you swear to me that I overreacted? That nothing Raven implied is remotely true.”

“I shouldn’t have to,” I mumble.

“Please.”

“Yes. Fuck. It’s just me and him. It’s always been me and him. If he touched another man, I’d lose my fucking mind, and I imagine he feels the same way.”

She looks stricken. Hurt, and also ashamed.

Good.

“Okay,” she whispers.

“Did Vaughn say he felt unsafe?” I ask, not letting her off the hook that easy.

“No. No…” she rushes to assure me. “He says you give the best snuggles.”

I swallow hard, tears burning my eyes.

She puts her hands on the table and scoots back. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. Thank you for talking to me. Vaughn? Wanna say bye to Uncle Matty?”

Vaughn runs over way too fast with my iPad and shows me how far he got with the drawing. It vaguely resembles a tree. Not the tree, but a tree. “I counted to five-hundred and twenty-five in my head while I was drawing.”

“Not bad.” I sniff, extracting the tablet and pen from his sticky hands.

Vaughn turns and looks up at Nicole. “Can we go see Dad now?”

“Yes,” she says. “Let’s go see your dad.”

“Yes,” Vaughn says with a victorious gesture. “Bye, Matty.”

I rub his head. “Bye, bud. Give your dad a hug for me, okay?”

I don’t know why I said that. I wish I could stuff the words back into my mouth.

I show them out and sink to the floor with my back against the door. Alone again, my insides feel hollowed out. I fight the urge to cry, afraid I’ll get sick again. But the restlessness won’t let me sit still.

Fischer’s nightmare might be over, but mine is just beginning.

So while I can’t end what I feel for him, how much I still want him and frankly fucking require him to function properly, I need to end something. So the question becomes—what do I know for sure, without question, I can live without.

I’ve been going down the list:

Maggie’s condescension.

The Eastmoor. Fuck that place.

This loft.

This city.

This language.