Sunshine Kisses

‘I’m supposed to believe that would have made you look less?’

Erik laughed and rolled closer to kiss her, slipping his hand under the sheets to stroke her skin. Heat bloomed in the path of his fingers. ‘I didn’t think you’d noticed.’

She’d noticed. Maybe she hadn’t understood. But she’d always noticed. Had always thrived in the small, singular spotlight that was his attention.

‘You didn’t answer my question.’

‘Pretty sure my ideal world is one where you’re naked all the time, Sunshine. So yeah, I still would have been staring.’

Abby blushed, squirming under his suddenly intense gaze.

‘Do you want food? A shower?’

She stretched, enjoying the way Erik’s eyes flicked over her chest as the sheets fell to her waist. ‘Food, sex, shower. In that order.’ Asking for sex had always been awkward for her. But she’d brought enough of her issues into this relationship already. Physical intimacy wasn’t going to be one of them.

‘Good, because I already ordered.’ He smirked. ‘As for your second request, I was really hoping you’d want dessert.’

This flirty, filthy side of Erik had been unexpected, but not unwelcome, Abby thought as he pulled on his discarded joggers from the night before to accept their room service. How he had become so comfortable with his sexuality was still a mystery to her, but she was grateful for it. After a lifetime of sex being approached with hushed tones and furtive glances, his casual openness felt like the safety net she needed. She supposed he was matter of fact about everything. It made sense this would be no different.

‘Do we need to have the talk?’

It wasn’t the question she’d expected to blurt out two slices of cinnamon-laden French toast into the feast Erik had ordered for them—surprise perks of the morning after with someone who knew all her favourite things—but as it hung in the air between them, she was glad of the opportunity to stop any potential confusion before it had the chance to fester.

Erik blinked. ‘Um. Okay. Kind of thought you were up to speed on that, but sure. You see, Sunshine, when a man and a woman like each other very much—’

‘Prick.’ She rolled her eyes.

Erik pulled her onto his lap. ‘I’ll be honest. Calling myself your boyfriend feels a little ridiculous at this point. Not unappealing. Just…reductionistic, I guess? It doesn’t do a great job of expressing that you’re my whole damn world.’

‘Partner?’ Abby offered, ignoring the way her heart buffeted around her chest. If he kept this up, she’d need medical assistance before the day was out.

‘Not inaccurate. But it is the term your parents use. Lover?’

Abby wrinkled her nose. ‘Absolutely unacceptable unless I’m singing a Taylor Swift song to you.’

‘I’m sure you or Alex will make me understand that reference one day,’ he said with a laugh. ‘You can call me whatever you want. It took me a while, but I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about you. And I have absolutely no interest in sharing. So relationship, yes. Exclusive, yes. I told you last night: you’re stuck with me. Forever. Does that sound okay?’

‘More than,’ she whispered.

‘There’s something else I want to say.’ Erik’s voice was light, but his eyes burned into hers as he tugged on the strings of the hoodie he’d tossed at her before laying out their food.

He’d made it clear that he loved seeing her in his clothes, but she suspected he had no idea how much she loved wearing them. How safe and warm and loved and, well, claimed she felt.

‘I need you to make me a promise.’

Anything. Like this, his hair messy from sleep, stubble dusting his jaw and glinting golden in the soft light diffusing through the sheer curtains, she’d give him anything.

‘No more running from this,’ he said seriously, gently tucking a few curls behind her ear. ‘I’m not asking you not to freak out or overthink things. I know you better than that. But when it hits, come to me. Let us work through it together. Our whole lives, we’ve talked about everything, but not the one thing that matters: us. And we are perfect for each other, Sunshine.’ He kissed the tip of her nose, smiling when she scrunched it in response. ‘There is absolutely no reason for this not to work out. Unless we go back to acting like idiots who don’t trust each other enough to just address things head-on. Now that I’ve finally got you, I’m not prepared to lose you over a misunderstanding. So if you ever want to end things with me, you better have a damn good reason. Because I’m not letting you push me away again.’ His hand tightened in her hair, emotion flooding his voice even as he attempted a casual grin.

Abby nodded, ignoring the tears pricking her eyes to focus on the deep sense of peace spreading through her, thinking back on the dozens of I love yous he’d repeated last night, and finally allowing herself to acknowledge the millions of ways he’d been showing her for years. ‘I promise. I’m going to start therapy again too. I emailed my old doctor to schedule an appointment as soon as they have an opening.’

Erik stroked up her side, pulling her in closer. ‘Good,’ he said softly. ‘I’m proud of you. I can guess why you have this…this block about giving in to what will make you happy. But I need you to work through that, baby. Not for me. Not for us, even. I need you to be okay, because you deserve to be okay.

‘I was doing really well for a while,’ Abby said, chin trembling. ‘I think maybe…maybe I stopped trying as hard. And then it was easy to fall into old patterns and thinking.’

She considered how well she’d been doing just a year ago. How much more confident she’d been becoming in herself, in her body, in her research, and how all of that felt like it had been sliding away from her, letting insecurity and imposter syndrome sneak back in.

‘I get that,’ Erik said, rubbing her back gently. ‘Healing isn’t linear. I’m doing a lot better than I used to with my sensitivity issues. I can handle more, and I have the right coping mechanisms in place. But every now and then something seemingly innocuous will come along and completely throw me. A sound I should be able to process. A smell that hasn’t bothered me for years. And I’ll completely shut down. I try to prioritise rest and take breaks because it helps, but sometimes I don’t even realise how hard I’ve been pushing myself until I’m entirely overwhelmed. What’s important is being able to see when you reach that point. And then doing something about it. I don’t feel like I need my psychologist anymore, necessarily. But checking in with her every month or so is a good way to check in with myself too. It’s a steady reminder to look after myself, and to pay attention to what my mind and body are doing. And when things get bad, and I do really need her, reaching out isn’t as daunting.’