One Dirty Night

“Fuck me, Nicholas.”

“What?” His eyebrows shot into his messy hair. “Have you not listened to a damn thing I said?”

“All I heard is that you want me as much as I want you and some other bullshit about not taking me when I’m standing right here, needing exactly what you do.”

“I would never hurt you.”

“Even if I asked nicely?”

“Ella, please stop. Just—”

“No, you said your piece. Let me say mine.” Balling my hands, I held his churning stare. “I love my job. I love my independence. I love that I’m smart and have my own savings and have the ability to do anything I want. I’m strong enough to live on my own. I could move overseas. I could start my own business. I don’t need a man to complete me. I don’t need a husband to survive. I don’t need anyone and yet…”

I stepped toward him. “There’s a part of me that needs to have all that responsibility and power stripped away…just for a little while. I want someone else to be in charge sometimes. I want my mind to turn off and my instincts to rule me. I want my Master to tell me what to eat and drink and how to serve him. Not because I need him to exist but because I deserve to be cherished and controlled. I trust him to be strong enough to shoulder all my burdens for a while and release me from the weight of life so I can be free.”

“Ella…stop. Please—”

“Don’t you see, Nick?” I spread my hands. “I want you to rule me, and you want to own me. Not because we’re sick or twisted but because we both have high-powered jobs. We have the stress of millions of people relying on us to cure them, even if they don’t know we’re fighting to keep them alive. We’ve both lost people we love. We both know the cost of that love. You’re drawn to releasing that pressure through discipline and absolute domination. And me? I’m driven to find someone who can steal me from myself. I need to be consumed because only then—only once all my decisions are stripped from me—can I truly turn off my mind and find peace.”

Silence fell between us for a moment before Nick’s face scrunched up, and he spat, “You can dress up this sick desire with pretty words and try to convince me with lies, but you can’t pretend whatever this is between us is normal.”

“Who cares if it’s normal? It’s what we both need.”

“Are you not listening, Ella? What I need is wrong. I refuse to strip you of your power. Why on earth would I agree to steal who you are all because I want to fuck you until you bleed? Who even says that? Who gets hard at the very idea of hurting someone they lov—? No.” He shook his head like a maniac. “It’s just an obsession. That’s all. It will stop. I know it will. With time and distance, this disgusting need and these unwanted feelings will go away. They will fade now that I’ve had you. They have to.”

“If you truly believe that, then you’re an even bigger fool than I feared.”

“Do you need yet more proof?” He shrugged. “More than I’ve already given you? Fine!” His eyes narrowed as ice replaced all fire. “As your lover, I wouldn’t be able to walk away from you after you gave me such a bone-snapping blowjob. As your boyfriend, I would do whatever it took to return the favour. As your husband, I would worship you until you had two orgasms for every one of mine. But as your Master…I’m giving you none.”

“W-What?” I hunched into myself. My skin puckered as if he’d just thrown snowy slush all over me. “I didn’t come in here expecting you to give me a release—”

“I believe you.” He exhaled heavily as if this conversation drained him beyond all limits. “But I can see how much you need me. I can smell your lust from here. You’ve opened your heart and spilled all your secrets, and I refuse to accept them. You deserve more. You are worth more. And…if I was in love with you, I’d drop to my knees, hook your leg over my shoulder, then stick my tongue as far as I could into your pussy until you screamed. But…as the Dominant you just seduced. A man who explicitly told you last night that we were through, you don’t get a single thing.”

My ribcage tightened as if his words were a vicious corset.

My heart floundered.

My hope died a horrible death.

If I was in love with you…

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered. “Not after everything we just confessed.”

“But I do.” He gave me the saddest smile. “I don’t want a woman. I don’t want a wife. And I definitely don’t want a submissive. I don’t want anything more than to find a cure to a disease that takes far too many, so when it’s my turn to die, I can say I did my best and didn’t let distractions or deviants destroy me.”

I had nothing to say.

No words to utter.

With a heavy breath, Nick whispered, “I’m sorry, Ella. Truly I am. I never meant to hurt you, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop myself from having you last night…and this morning. You’re right that I care. More than you’ll ever know, but…that’s where this ends. At least now you know where we stand. I’ll move out next week. It’ll be the best for both of us.”

He left as my knees gave out, and I slithered down the bathroom wall.

He didn’t come back.

Chapter Eleven

I GLOWERED DOWN MY MICROSCOPE EYEPIECE where slithering, happy cells mocked me. Today, we’d merged two strains of mould together to see if the byproduct would result in something that would rival the finding of penicillin in 1928. So far, the only thing I could see were two different entities mingling and splicing, procreating or possibly just fighting with wild abandon.